I am watching myself at the moment with a certain amount of amusement and a sprinkle of exasperation (still beats watching myself with disgust) fighting myself nearly every inch of the way. Every time I feel I am getting somewhere (conscious effort) I sabotage myself (unconsciously). The more I am getting somewhere, the harder the sabotage hits me.
This used to frustrate the hell out of me, now it more and more fascinates me. Learning what makes me tick and revolt is like reading a thriller – what is going to happen next??
I see myself made up out of many different parts; I refer to them as my ‘Executive Board’. All of them have my well being as their goal and their intentions are good. I realised which executive member sabotages my weight loss and why. He (yes it is a HE) is very protective and a bit old fashioned. He came on board when I was a little girl, lying in hospital in quarantine for six weeks without any physical contact with my family. He was very busy during those six weeks to keep me safe and sane. Towards the end of the stay he learned that if he gets me to eat, all the hospital staff become were very encouraging and give me lots of praise – something I was very hungry for as a little child. Win-Win!
He slipped into the background after that for many years until I got into another serious situation where I felt very alone and was bullied by a boss. He decided one of the tried and tested ways to get me through this was eating more food. I got through it indeed and had improved my career considerabely (alas quite a bit heavier). That convinced him that he knew what I needed and decided to become more active in my life. Every time I felt insecure he had the answer to keep me sane: EAT! And it works like a charm – every time.
I can hardly imagine how horrified he is when I decide to eat less and lose weight. There is nothing he can do about it when I feel strong and confident as other board members have the upper hand. He just sits there quietly waiting for the moment he knows will come sooner or later. I have a moment of insecurity and that is when he pounces. The longer I make him wait, the more ferocious is his response.
How can I be mad at him? He really is trying to do his best for me and does not like the idea of change at all. He feels that he has been the board member who has protected me for the longest and knows me best. All those new hires I have introduced to my executive board with their fancy schmanzy ideas are light weight, will very likely not last and where would that leave me? No, no he will stay and protect me no matter what.
I have started acknowledging him for his good intentions and the great job he has done protecting me. He is very sensitive to being patronised so I am treating carefully ;). He seems to like EFT tapping when I actually do it but when I feel insecure he does his utmost to keep me away from it.
I am going to be always drawn in two different directions until I can align him with my goals and the other members on my executive board. I think he has become a little lazy and boring only using food to make me feel good. I know he is a man and has a one-track mind as well as difficulty multi-tasking. Perhaps I should give him a sexy new assistant who he will want to dazzle and show off ALL his skills to.